The Process of Humanization

The idea that our brain lights up in different ways when consider people who are "human beings" to us vs just "things" to us is pretty unintuitive to most. We like to think of ourselves as nice people, and looking at other as "things" is decidedly not nice. I don't see this as something to be judged--just part of the nature of the machinery we've inherited--but the moral implications of this kind of thing can cause some people to preemptively reject the idea.

The underlying research data behind Dunbar's Number might be compelling to some. The theory is based on measuring brain size for different primate species and mapping it to observed maximum group size. For example, Howler monkey's live in groups of 6 or 7. Chimpanzee groups don't usually exceed 50. Business research on organizational dynamics based on team size also suggest significant team complexity thresholds around 150 people.

But that's all abstract math. There's insight into this that can be gained via some basic introspect on our personal experiences.

Think back to a time when you've seen a stranger in a situation that is both unfortunate and inconvenient for you. It could be anything: a barista being yelled at by an angry customer (who's making you late), a mother trying to calm her screaming child on a flight, you get the picture.

The key to choosing a good scenario is:

• Someone is going through a tough situation
• That situation is frustrating or unpleasant for you
• The person is a stranger

For me, one of the most memorable examples is a homeless man wandering into a traffic intersection while I'm already late for a meeting and rushing through traffic in downtown LA.

Step 1: Recall How You Felt

Once you have it in mind, think about your initial reaction to whatever was going on. Were you frustrated? Were you angry? (Probably). How did you refer to them, in your head? (If you're anything like me, it's probably some variant of a**hole.)

Really take the time to remember the emotions and sensations you experience during that time. What did your body feel like? Were you tense or relaxed? Was your jaw tight? Did your stomach feel some sort of pit? Can you remember how your heartbeat felt?

Step 2: Replace the Stranger with Your Closest Loved One

Once you have that memory solidly in mind, switch out the stranger going through the hard time and imagine that it was someone you already knew and loved going through that situation and causing you that inconvenience/unpleasantness.  What if that was instead your spouse, your mother, your father, or one of your best friends? If you have them, imagine it was one of your kids.

If I came across someone I loved wandering, dirty and alone, in the middle of day in downtown LA--so lost and out of it that they're wandering in and out of traffic--all I imagine is pain in seeing them like that, guilt that I let it happen, and a need to do something about it. Whatever meeting or task that had seemed so important would suddenly feel absolutely trivial.

There's such a dramatic difference in reactions--but this is such commonplace occurrence (so normal) that it doesn't seem even worth talking about. I'm not here to try to argue that things should be any different--just trying to illuminate how they are. Of course it's different when it's someone you love--if it wasn't you'd either be a psychopath (for not caring about anybody) or a totally useless bleeding heart that was so busy empathizing with every passing stranger that you could never get done.

So let's keep moving.

Step 3: Zoom in On the Stranger

Let's go back to stranger in Step 1. Reload all that frustration, anxiousness, and anger that you felt before. It's important you can access it.

In my case, there's this dirty, smelly, ranting homeless man--hair in nasty dreadlocks that look like they haven't been washed in years--wandering into to traffic and yelling at the car in front of me. Spittle is flying from his mouth, and I can still see the piss stains on his sweats. Cars are flying by at 30 miles per hour in the lane to my left.

I'm feeling a tightness in my chest. My breaths are coming short and fast, and I'm feeling anxiety as I'm scanning the lanes around me and checking the rearview mirror to see if I'm about to be rear ended.

Now, let's focus in on details. Is there a logo on this person's sweatshirt? Imagine what he might have looked like when the shirt was clean. What is their look in his eye? Can you imagine those eyes instead smiling? Can you even go so far as to imagine this person as an 8-year old boy, before whatever events that brought them here occurred?

Go ahead and make up a backstory--it's fine that it's total fiction. This exercise is about you and your emotional reactions, not them.

Maybe that 8-year old boy's his parents died. Maybe he ran away from an abusive foster home and found himself on the streets. As he lived there, too young and completely alone, he was tricked or even attacked. There were probably scary nights--and no way to get money or even just keep up with basic education.

When that kid was 8, maybe he had some hope of finding someone to care for him--but fast-forward to 16, and he's bitter, angry. Maybe a bit unstable from the stress and pressure of trying to just survive another night. He's probably been arrested, been to jail, been through the court system that sent him juvenile hall. Fast-forward to 32, and he's addicted to whatever he's been using to dull the pain, and it's aggravating his mental health issues. And this is where he's ended up.

Let's not lose sight of the fact that the above story is total bullshit. I don't know jack about this guy. But the key insight is: it doesn't matter if the story is true. A story--any story--humanizes people. Even as I was writing those paragraphs, I found myself relaxing--the anxiety and tension melting away. The traffic and timelines fading out, and compassion seeping in.

That--as subtle and easy to miss as all that might be--is the process of activating the brain structures that treat the other human being as an actual "person". Until those were activated, that man was just a "thing" to me. This is the process of "humanizing" someone.

In the original object frame, the homeless man was just the equivalent of a trashcan blocking the road. The only thing I was thinking about was the impact it had on me. The fact that this was an obstacle to me in achieving my goals. That I might be at risk of an accident. The story helps me break out of that self-centered world view.

One of the odd things about all this is that, once you've done gone through this process, it'll be much easier to keep in this other-focused frame of mind with that one person. Yet, if you try to execute the same process with someone else, you'll find have to put just as much effort in, again. This is not something that just becomes automatic.

The thing about noticing details and discovering (or building) stories is that it's incredibly expensive. Not in terms of money, but in terms of time and attention. It took sometime--at least a few minutes--to do it.

And while I was doing that, I was fully engaged. There was no possibility for me be doing that while driving in chaotic conditions, solving a math problem, planning out a PowerPoint presentation, or even cooking. It required my full attention, just like any in person social interaction does.

Now imagine the number of people I bump into every day. If I tried to pay enough attention to "humanize" each and every one of them, I wouldn't be able to get anything else done. Plus, the memories required would overload my brains. If our brains didn't have any shortcuts, it would all just become too much at some point.

For homo sapiens, that point is around 150 relationships. And you--as one of us-- can experience this duality of modes and the process of shifting between them any time you want.

It's hard to prove much of this of this stuff using proper scientific methods, but we all have pathways to build our own conviction by just paying attention to our experiences. This is a core part of what I call economic philosophy--it's these kinds of direct experiences that will be the first principles of much of what I discuss.

Hopefully, this gave some useful insight in to how your brain works. I've found it pretty revealing when I can make the time to watch my own brain work.